These days mental health is talked about much more frequently. One of the good things, I think, that came out of Covid was how much more openly we all speak about mental health. And to call that a good thing probably seems a bit odd. When you consider the fact that why we talk about it more is because SO many more people than average were experiencing mental health issues. So I don’t mean it to say that I’m glad people are experiencing it, I’m just glad we as a society moved more towards being able to speak about it openly. I spent a good portion of my life trying like hell to shove down my mental health issues because I very much thought I was the only person who ever experienced anything like that. Which sounds silly in retrospect but when you exist in a small town with not a whole lot of outside influence, it’s easy to think you’re the only one.
One of the issues I’ve seen discussed much more frequently is burnout. We use the phrase in smaller terms when we just really a need a day to ourselves. Or perhaps even that week vacation. I had no idea what a true and total burnout was- until I experienced it. Burnout will shake your entire sense of your life and who you are. I definitely speak of my life in terms of before burnout and after. Looking back on how I lived my life is baffling to me now. I had lost almost all sense of who I was. And getting her back, has been a process.
I’m absolutely blessed that I have a family and a partner that completely supports me trying like hell to bring her back. When I quit my job, I had no idea what the future held. I just knew I needed something different and my health had to be the first priority. While my procedure was cancelled due to all electives being rescheduled, I have taken this time to really try and get myself healthy. Am I doing a great job? I have NO idea. PCOS is wreaking havoc on my body in ways I didn’t even know it could. So I don’t feel healthier than I did but I know I’m taking steps in the right direction.
Let me tell you, taking care of yourself at a basic level can be TOUGH. And I used to feel really ashamed about that but I’m just over that. Taking care of myself at a basic level and relearning how to do that consistently has basically been my full time job these past months. I was so focused on trying to exist while burning out that I had lost sight of the most basic human needs. I would go 14 hour days of work without eating or drinking anything. The only movement I got was while working because by the time I got home I would just collapse into a heap who couldn’t move or talk or process anything. And that’s no way to live. So I’m trying my best to relearn how to take care of myself. I try to get a decent amount of sleep (but not be in bed all day), drink 100 ounces of water a day, eat consistently, yoga, work on things for my job but also my own goals, and be a better wife, daughter, sister, friend, etc.
Trying out an entirely new career path on top of that is slightly nerve-wracking. I worked in customer service from the start of my working life until last September. I loved it and I thought I would miss it terribly, instead I feel guilt for not missing it at all. Which is insane, I shouldn’t have to feel guilty for wanting to move on to something else. People pleasing can lead us down the road of forgetting to please ourselves. Being able to circle back into working on things that I spent my entire life wanting to do, has been a blessing in and of itself. I’m grateful to have people in my life that were willing to take chances on me.
I was going to say that burnout taught me so much about who I am but I don’t think that’s quite accurate. I think it’s more like burnout made it impossible to be anyone but who I am. When you can no longer exist on the plane of people pleasing and matching yourself to expectations, you get that freedom. Rediscovering passions is absolutely one of the most healing things you can do for yourself. I’ve done more art and writing in the past six months than I did in the six years before that.
I’m a huge advocate now for taking care of yourself in all these ways long before you burnout. As thankful as I am for this experience, it’s also been one of the hardest and taxing lessons to learn. Find a work-life balance, take care of your basic needs first, and don’t lose yourself. That list in and of itself can seem overwhelming but I’ve learned that starting small still gets you to those goals. And find a struggle buddy! Whether it’s your partner, friend, family member- find a buddy! Everyone needs someone to vent about the struggle with. I can’t thank my husband enough for always being my struggle buddy. I will continue speaking about burnout now so that hopefully someone can catch it long before I did.
In Progress 