I have not written anything with the intention of posting it this way in… years. And who knows maybe this will never even get posted. There are just some days when everything feels a bit overwhelming inside of my head. I am the least comfortable in seasons of change and life seemed to laugh at me for it. “You gonna learn today” seems to be the theme of life in the past year.
Being so happy but conversely so unsure of myself is one of the hardest things to come to terms with. I’ve often been told I’m good in high pressure situations or great in crisis. I’m concerned that’s all I’m good at. Has trauma warped my brain to the point where crisis feels normal and calm is what causes anxiety? If that’s true, how do you rewire your brain?
I left my job that I was so comfortable with because comfort became unbearable. Although I think that’s the wrong way to look at it. I was comfortable in the job because of that constant feel of being in crisis. That’s perhaps why I was able to thrive in that environment. And I burned out. In epic fashion. That’s the thing about setting yourself on fire for the warmth of others, there WILL come a point where you are no longer capable of producing flames.
Life is quiet once the flames are gone. So quiet. Too quiet. For anxious people, this is a new kind of hell because your brain seeks to fill the silence. And the supplied playlist isn’t as innocuous as elevator music. There’s no easy listening version of your self hatred. There’s no waiting room-worthy smooth jazz rendition of your intrusive thoughts. There is no fancy sound design to smooth out the uneven tones and added effects to make it more pleasant on your ears. You are the worst producer in the world who just keeps churning out the same content. And that constant sound you keep producing will drown out everything else.
Music metaphors are thick on the mind lately. I blame the company I keep and the new job. Everybody always tells you to find people to keep in your life who inspire you, make you want to be better. They leave out the part that at first, those inspiring people make you uncomfortable. And I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. Growth is not the most comfortable thing in the world. Those people who bring out the best parts of you may also make you feel like the most incompetent person. Although, it’s not really them making you feel that way. That is your own thoughts of yourself. Outgrowing who you were is the uncomfortable part.
Nobody tells you that burnout affects your health. You think the mental side and the exhaustion is it. They don’t tell you that eventually your body gets pissed off and decides it will throw you a curveball to slow you down. I had that. And it’s terrifying. I do find a sick sense of humor in the fact that I spent the last 20 years hellbent on self destruction and when I finally quit trying to do that, my health goes down the drain. I’m lucky it wasn’t as bad as originally thought but it was one of those warnings that if I don’t change things, this redemption arc might get cut short. My husband often tells me I am not machine, I need rest and to take care of myself. So now I’m a complicated houseplant that you’re never sure if it’s got the right amount of sunlight and water. Also, you’re pretty sure you live in the wrong sort of climate for the plant but to hell with nature, you’re going to make it thrive.
My definition of thriving has changed immensely in the past year. Last year at this time I would have said that thriving is being so busy I don’t have time to think. It’s the same train running the same route every day but running a little bit faster each day. Everything is running at such a speed I’m just holding on for dear life. These days thriving looks like a clean kitchen after cooking a decent meal. It’s a productive Zoom meeting and algorithms working in my favor. It’s bills being paid but not a whole lot left to blow on stupid shit. It’s being thrown into situations where I constantly have to adapt and learn new skills. It’s unpredictability of what I’ll be doing.
What’s thriving look like to you these days?
In Progress 